THE BIBLE SEX QUIZ

Contrary to popular liberal belief, promiscuity and deviance are not modern cultural creations but have their roots much deeper in human history.  Take this quiz to see how Larry Flynt's magazines don't hold a candle to the Lord's original work!

1. If you retain the services of a prostitute, but are careless and
     impregnate her, what should you do for her in return?

A. Nothing. Prostitution is a sin that makes the woman equally
        culpable for the  pregnancy.
B. Pay child support until the woman marries or the child reaches the
        age of maturity, whichever comes earlier.
C. Kill the Godless whore! (particularly if you find out she’s a relative).
D. None of the above.

2. Were sex objects used in Biblical times?

A. They may have been, but that’s certainly not something we’d learn
         from the Bible.
B. Yes. Women masturbated themselves with dildos made of gold and
         silver.
C. No. People in Biblical times were aware only of sex with animate
        objects, such as humans and animals.
D. None of the above.

3. Do Middle Eastern men have large “external appendages” and
     great sexual prowess?

A.Whether they do or not, this is certainly not a subject the Bible
        would dare address.
B. No. Differential size and performance is a media myth.
C. Yes. In fact, Egyptians have penises the size of a donkey’s and
        ejaculations the volume of a horse’s.
D. Yes. Jews are really small.

4. How can sin (or anything else that irks God) affect your sex life?

A. Trick question. God doesn’t manipulate one’s sex life as a
        punishment for sin.
B. Depending upon his anger, God may make you impotent.
C. While you won’t be impotent, you may lose the ability to produce
        children.
D. God may simply have your neighbor rape your wife.

5. Are there times when prostitution is acceptable?

A. Yes. When the money raised is used to support needy Christians.
B. No. The Bible never refers to “acceptable” prostitution.
C. Yes. If the prostitute is providing “services” to a widower.
D. None of the above.

6. Whom does God order sinners to marry?

A. There is no answer to this question, for God never dictated whom
        anyone should marry.
B. Whomever they fall in love with.
C. Christians, so the deviants may come to know God’s love.
D. Whores.

7. How does God feel about polygamy?

A. The Bible demands that each of us have one spouse only.
B. It’s OK for men.
C. Not only is it unacceptable for women, but any woman who has
        more than one husband in her lifetime, notwithstanding divorce, is
        an adulterer.
D. B and C only.

8. What should you do for your married mistress who bears your child
     if an angry God decides to kill the baby?

A. For goodness sake, God would never kill an innocent baby, even if
        He got mad at the baby’s parents.
B. Hold her, comfort her and make sure she knows you will always be
        there for her, despite your marriage to another.
C. Rebuke her for angering the Lord (and for cheating on her husband
        and causing you to cheat on your wife).
D. Just knock up your wife and quickly produce another offspring.

9. How does God punish whores (i.e., sexually active women)?

A. We’ll never know until Judgment Day.
B. He makes them barren.
C. He pulls up their skirts and exposes their nakedness, thereby
         increasing their whoredom.
D. He strikes them with a plague and makes them hideously
         unattractive so no man would ever engage their services again.

10. Before the days of notary publics, how did a man swear to a
      statement?

A. Trick question. There have been notary publics since the inception
         of the Jewish race.
B. They simply swore to God they were telling the truth.
C. They proclaimed that, if they were being dishonest, their wives
         were fair game for other members of the community.
D. They simply grabbed another man’s genitals.

[1] Source: http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0204/biblesex3.html