Twistianity Today: MISS USA, WHORES and THE BIBLE SEX QUIZ!?

Jerry, it's L.A.! Nobody leaves. She's a seductress, she's a siren, she's a virgin, she's a whore!

High Priest of Sin

"Augustine's primary spiritual task was to remove the stain of sexual desire. He thus became the great theologian of guilt and sin but, as is often the case, he remained blind to the price that others had to pay for his righteousness."

– Bishop J. S. Spong (Born of a Woman, p216)

SAY WHAT ...?! MISS USA GETS 'PRETTY' IDIOTIC

By Meg Swertlow

Oh my god, I love stupid people – especially when they are pretty. Mocking them is just so much more fun that way. Last night during the Miss USA contest, Judge Marilu Henner asked top five finalist Miss Ohio Audrey Bolte: “Do you think women are depicted in movies and on television in an accurate and positive way? And please give us an example.” And this is what happened: Miss Ohio gave a look of panic, said some uncomfortably vague stuff, and then gave the most devastatingly amazing answer in the history of pageants – she cited Julia Roberts’ character in Pretty Woman as a positive portrayal of women in film. ‘Cause who doesn’t love a hooker with a heart of gold?!

Audrey said, "I think it depends on the movie. I think there are some movies that depict women in a very positive role, and then some movies that put them in a little bit more of negative role. But by the end of the movie, they show that woman power that I know we all have. Such as, the movie Pretty Woman. We had a wonderful, beautiful woman, Julia Roberts, and she was having a rough time, but, you know what, she came out on top and she didn’t let anybody stand in her path."

You can practically hear her bevy of hyped-up pageant coaches screaming backstage, “NOOOO! HOW COULD YOU SAY PRETTY WOMAN!? SOMEONE SHUT HER UP!”

This is just too amazing; I can’t even make this sh*t up. Hey Ohio, remember -- JULIA ROBERTS WAS A PROSTITUTE IN PRETTY WOMAN?! A PROSTITUTE! Maybe Miss Ohio forgot that the movie is about a woman who trawls Hollywood Blvd. looking to have sex with strange men for money, and whose only way out of that hard life is by meeting a cold-hearted rich man whom she eventually f*cks into submission, and becomes his kept woman. Yeah, if that isn’t an accurate and positive account of women – I don’t know what is.

While I can’t imagine the pressure of being in the Miss USA pageant – she did choose and train to be in this event. Miss Ohio really should have been better prepared for a question like that – it’s not like she got asked to solve global warming onstage. There are a plethora of current TV shows or films she could have cited that have positive female characters: The Closer, Rizzoli & Isles, Bones, The Hunger Games, even The Avengers has strong women who aren't hookers! And if she just had to mention her home girl, Julia Roberts, why not Erin Brockovich?! Jesus Christ – almost anything would have been better than referencing a film from 1990 about a prostitute!

Oh Miss Ohio, did the Preparation H seep from under your cheeks, into your eyes and cause brain paralysis? Did you swallow too much teeth whitener and it worked its way up and fried your reasoning skills? Did you tease your hair so hard that your intelligence fell out? Did you inadvertently drink Aquanet and your brain melted inside your skull? I hope all of the above – because those are the only excuses for referencing Pretty Woman.

Every one of these pageants has some sort of train-wreck moment – In 2007, Miss South Carolina melted minds with her "The Iraq" answer at Miss Teen USA. At the 2009 Miss USA pageant, Carrie Prejean shocked audiences with her conservative opinions on gay marriage. For a while, I thought this year’s Miss USA’s bonehead-moment happened when Arsenio Hall asked Miss Nevada why the majority of the contestants who appeared as guests on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live couldn’t name the vice president – and she answered that the contestants were tired because it was late (Hey babe, even at midnight I know who the country's vice president is) as she stalled for a minute, obviously trying to think of the vice president’s name -- and when finally pressed on if she knew it herself, she sheepishly said “Biden.” Yeah, that was pretty great. But that was nothing to when Miss Ohio upped the stupid ante – and made watching stereotypically beautiful girls with store-bought boobs, prance around onstage, a lot more fun.

So, thanks Miss USA contestants for being dum dums and making me feel better about my quirky-but-smart self.

God bless America,
Meg

SOURCE: http://www.theinsider.com/gossip/52813_Say_What_Miss_USA_Pageant_Gets_Pretty_Idiotic/

Lot's Naked Daughters Have a Few Drinks With Their Father Before Having Sex With Him

Contrary to popular liberal belief, promiscuity and deviance are not modern cultural creations but have their roots much deeper in human history. Take this quiz to see how Larry Flynt's magazines don't hold a candle to the Lord's original work!

1. If you retain the services of a prostitute, but are careless and
impregnate her, what should you do for her in return?

A. Nothing. Prostitution is a sin that makes the woman equally
culpable for the pregnancy.
B. Pay child support until the woman marries or the child reaches the
age of maturity, whichever comes earlier.
C. Kill the Godless whore! (particularly if you find out she’s a relative).
D. None of the above.

2. Were sex objects used in Biblical times?

A. They may have been, but that’s certainly not something we’d learn
         from the Bible.
B. Yes. Women masturbated themselves with dildos made of gold and
         silver.
C. No. People in Biblical times were aware only of sex with animate
        objects, such as humans and animals.
D. None of the above.

3. Do Middle Eastern men have large “external appendages” and
great sexual prowess?

A.Whether they do or not, this is certainly not a subject the Bible
would dare address.
B. No. Differential size and performance is a media myth.
C. Yes. In fact, Egyptians have penises the size of a donkey’s and
ejaculations the volume of a horse’s.
D. Yes. Jews are really small.

4. How can sin (or anything else that irks God) affect your sex life?

A. Trick question. God doesn’t manipulate one’s sex life as a
punishment for sin.
B. Depending upon his anger, God may make you impotent.
C. While you won’t be impotent, you may lose the ability to produce
children.
D. God may simply have your neighbor rape your wife.

5. Are there times when prostitution is acceptable?

A. Yes. When the money raised is used to support needy Christians.
B. No. The Bible never refers to “acceptable” prostitution.
C. Yes. If the prostitute is providing “services” to a widower.
D. None of the above.

6. Whom does God order sinners to marry?

A. There is no answer to this question, for God never dictated whom
anyone should marry.
B. Whomever they fall in love with.
C. Christians, so the deviants may come to know God’s love.
D. Whores.

7. How does God feel about polygamy?

A. The Bible demands that each of us have one spouse only.
B. It’s OK for men.
C. Not only is it unacceptable for women, but any woman who has
more than one husband in her lifetime, notwithstanding divorce, is
an adulterer.
D. B and C only.

8. What should you do for your married mistress who bears your child
if an angry God decides to kill the baby?

A. For goodness sake, God would never kill an innocent baby, even if
        He got mad at the baby’s parents.
B. Hold her, comfort her and make sure she knows you will always be
        there for her, despite your marriage to another.
C. Rebuke her for angering the Lord (and for cheating on her husband
        and causing you to cheat on your wife).
D. Just knock up your wife and quickly produce another offspring.

9. How does God punish whores (i.e., sexually active women)?

A. We’ll never know until Judgment Day.
B. He makes them barren.
C. He pulls up their skirts and exposes their nakedness, thereby
increasing their whoredom.
D. He strikes them with a plague and makes them hideously
unattractive so no man would ever engage their services again.

10. Before the days of notary publics, how did a man swear to a
statement?

A. Trick question. There have been notary publics since the inception
of the Jewish race.
B. They simply swore to God they were telling the truth.
C. They proclaimed that, if they were being dishonest, their wives
were fair game for other members of the community.
D. They simply grabbed another man’s genitals.

[1] Source: http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0204/biblesex3.html

Inmates running the asylum

Thomas Aquinas (1225-74)
Masturbation

Thomas of Aquino was an Italian "scholastic" of aristocratic descent. He studied at the university of Naples and taught in Cologne and Paris. His major workSumma Theologica sought to reconcile Greek philosophy, filtered through the Arab philosopher Averroës and the Jewish philosopher Maimonides, with Christian dogmas. His liberalism included defending the execution of heretics.

"Thomas Aquinas ... thought masturbation worse than rape (because 'unnatural', in the sense of unable to lead to conception). Indeed on this ground he considers rape, incest and adultery lesser vices than masturbation, homosexuality, anal and oral intercourse, and coitus interruptus.

Again, he thought deviation from the 'missionary' position in sexual intercourse a serious sin, believing as he did that this made conception more difficult!"

– Daphne Hampson, After Christianity, p189

Those Sexually Hung Up Christians

Council of Ancyra 313/6 AD

"At Ancyra, the intriguing class of Christians who either had enjoyed or still enjoyed sex with animals was broken down by age groups and allotted long periods of penance.

Married offenders, if over fifty, were to receive communion only at death.

When the canon was translated into Latin, it was taken to be a ruling against homosexuals, and in the early medieval kingdoms, it was persistently cited as an authority against them."

– Robin Lane Fox Pagans & Christians, p665.

Augustine (354-430)Original Sin

Augustine was the author of the disastrous Church doctrine of original sin that would become orthodox dogma for more than a thousand years.

Reinterpreting Jewish scripture, Augustine said that the disobedience of Adam was an inherited human trait, a sin transmitted in the act of procreation. He thus arrived at the conclusion that all people are sinners from birth. No longer was sin solely the result of conscious individual choice.

With pitiless fanaticism, Augustine extended the guilt of Adam's transgression to every new born baby.

"Unconscious infants dying without baptism are damned by virtue of their inherited guilt."
– St Augustine (Newman,Manual of Church History, Vol. I, p. 366).

New born babes were sinners like the rest of us! There was no escape. Unbaptised babies would burn in torment forever, said the wise bishop. Moreover, the individual could not remove sin by himself no matter how "righteous" he might be; only within the embrace of Holy Mother Church could he be "saved."

"It was just, that after our nature had sinned ... we should be born animal and carnal."
– Augustine (R. Seeburg,History of Doctrine, I, p338)

Old Testament warning against "strange women"

"Whores" and "harlots" are to be found in almost every book of the Bible, often playing a key role but subject to harsh treatment (such as "burning to death" - Genesis 38.24).

"Stay away from the strange woman, who flatters with her words ... a woman with the attire of an harlot, and subtle of heart ... and lies in wait at every corner ...

She caught him, and kissed him, and with an impudent face said:

'I have decked my bed with coverings of tapestry, with carved works, with fine linen of Egypt. I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.

Come, let us take our fill of love until the morning: let us solace ourselves with loves'

With her much fair speech she caused him to yield, with the flattering of her lips she forced him ... He went after her straightway, as an ox goes to the slaughter ...

She has cast down many wounded ... Manystrong men have been slain by her ... Her house is the way to hell, going down to the chambers of death."

– Proverbs 7