The Ancient Goddess Barbi: Historical Views from the Year 5000
In the year 5000, historians will seek to patch together traces of the past, to discover what life was like in today's current era. Here's one humorous view of what they might find:
We are proud to announce that archaeologists have made a major discovery explaining religious practice in the 1990's, over three thousand years ago! These discoveries help us better understand the myths and traditions which have been handed down over the years, and still survive today within the popular cult of the Goddess Barbi. This tradition is one of the fastest growing groups of modern-day Goddess worship.
Archaeologists have discovered that Barbi worship dates back to ancient times. Figures of the Goddess Barbi have been unearthed, preserved in nearly pristine state. It seems that ancient worshippers made their images of Barbi in a material known as plastic. It was known at the time that plastic did not decay to the elements over time and was nearly everlasting! Because of this, it is obvious to our research team that those items made of plastic were held in the highest regard by the ancient culture of the 1990's. They surely wanted to preserve these items for eternity!
Research shows that ancient priestesses of Barbi were initiated at a very young age. The initiation ceremony involved a complex litany which lasted several weeks, usually prior to the Winter Solstice. Young daughters would chant at length to their parents, repeating over and over the praises of Barbi, stating their desires for the Goddess to enter their lives. While these chants varied from priestess to priestess, the words "I Want" are common to many of the evocations. Later, after initiation, additional chants focused on a wide variety of magical tools and altar accessories used by the Goddess Barbi in Her temple.
Images of the Goddess Barbi show Her in many aspects. For example, She was portrayed as a Solar Deity in Her Malibu Barbi aspect. This explains the modern-day custom of Barbi worshippers donning colored glasses and anointing themselves with special protective lotions to celebrate the Summer Solstice! It is known that ancient religions sometimes masked their Deities within the Saints of ancient Catholicism. Researchers are certain this explains the name used for an ancient west coast village known as Santa Barbara, perhaps a Mecca for Barbi worshippers.
Each Barbi figurine also held strange numerical markings, $24.99. This explains the current custom where Barbi worshippers tattoo themselves with this number! It was obviously the number most sacred to the Goddess. The $ symbol was used in many ways by the ancient culture, and was considered both a scourge and salute to religious society.
It was also discovered that ancient Barbi had a consort known as Ken. Close examination of plastic Ken figures explain why today's modern Barbi worshippers allow only eunuchs to participate in religious rites, with no other males allowed. Since many fewer Ken figures were found, we can assume that the ancient Barbi worshippers were a matriarchal tradition.
Our team of linguistic researchers have determined through study of the ancient language that Ken was renowned in many parts of the world. This explains the origins of ancient places like Kenya, Kentucky and even the variation of Canada. An in-depth study of the Ken mythos also links Him to the ancient clan known as Kennedy. Note the amazing facial similarities! Stories surrounding this ancient Kennedy cult seem to be a unique mixture of the "slain God" stories (similar to the Egyptian Osiris) and the revelry of the Roman Bacchus. This seems to fit all three aspects of the Triple Kennedy myth.
Other research shows a related figure, an ancient warrior God known as GI Joe. Since GI Joe had no known female consort, and was also a eunuch, it is obvious that both Joe and Ken competed for the Goddess Barbi. One theory links this to the surviving Oak King/Holly King myths of earlier times.
Researchers also uncovered other mythical characters, known as Shakespeare, Einstein, Gandhi, and Ralph Nader. But since the ancient culture held these in much lower relative importance than Barbi, they obviously were mere minor demigods of the era. We are thrilled to have discovered these Old ways, since they shed light upon many unexplained traditions of today. We can use this clear view of history to put our present-day customs in perspective!
After this significant success in discovering the ancient Barbi myths, our archaeological efforts have been approved for additional funding to research the ancient Ninja Turtle myths as well. Since many plastic artifacts of the Ninja Turtles have been found in North America, perhaps they are linked to the ancient Native American cultures of Turtle Island? Only time will tell.
SOURCE: [1] http://www.flickr.com/photos/aardvark_foto/5415898517/sizes/s/in/photostream/
What, EXACTLY does God say about human sacrifice in the TaNaCH?
IN SHORT... What, EXACTLY does God say about human sacrifice in the TaNaCH? In Deuteronomy 12:30-31, God calls Human sacrifice something that He hates, and an abomination to Him, "for every abomination to the Eternal, which he hateth, have they done unto their gods; for even their sons and their daughters they have burnt in the fire to their gods. In Jeremiah 19:4-6, God tells us that Human sacrifice is so horrible a concept to Him, that it did not even come into His mind to demand it from His creation, "They have built also the high places of Baal, to burn their sons with fire for burnt offerings unto Baal, which I commanded not, nor spake it, neither came it into my mind." We see the same thing in Psalm 106:37-38, and in Ezekiel 16:20. This means that God would not accept Jesus's death on the cross as a blood sacrifice for the forgiveness of sins. The very idea of that God would accept a human sacrifice for the forgiveness of sins is UnBiblical.
A FULL EXPLANATION...The Christian idea of the messiah is that Jesus was the blood sacrifice that saves everyone from his or her sin. But who, EXACTLY died on that cross? If it was Jesus-the-god, then how can God die? If it was only Jesus-the-human, then all Christians have in the death of Jesus is a human sacrifice. And what, EXACTLY does God say about human sacrifice in the TaNaCH?
In Deuteronomy, God calls Human sacrifice something that He hates, and an abomination to Him!
Take heed to thyself that thou be not snared by following them, after that they be destroyed from before thee; and that thou inquire not after their gods, saying, How did these nations serve their gods? even so will I do likewise. Thou shalt not do so unto the Eternal thy God: for every abomination to the Eternal, which he hateth, have they done unto their gods; for even their sons and their daughters they have burnt in the fire to their gods. [Deuteronomy 12:30-31]
In Jeremiah, God tells us that Human sacrifice is so horrible a concept to Him, that it did not even come into His mind!
Because they have forsaken me, and have estranged this place, and have burned incense in it unto other gods, whom neither they nor their fathers have known, nor the kings of Judah, and have filled this place with the blood of innocents; They have built also the high places of Baal, to burn their sons with fire for burnt offerings unto Baal, which I commanded not, nor spake it, neither came it into my mind: Therefore, behold, the days come, saith the Eternal, that this place shall no more be called Tophet, nor The Valley of the Son of Hinnom, but The Valley of Slaughter. [Jeremiah 19:4-6]
We see the same thing in Psalm 106 and in Ezekiel 16:
Yea, they sacrificed their sons and their daughters unto devils, And shed innocent blood, even the blood of their sons and of their daughters, whom they sacrificed unto the idols of Canaan: and the land was polluted with blood. And shed innocent blood, even the blood of their sons and of their daughters, whom they sacrificed unto the idols of Canaan: and the land was polluted with blood. [Psalm 106:37-38]
Moreover thou hast taken thy sons and thy daughters, whom thou hast borne unto me, and these hast thou sacrificed unto them to be devoured. Is this of thy whoredoms a small matter? [Ezekiel 16:20]
And yet we are to then turn around and believe that God changed His mind, and required human sacrifice, and then it was the sacrifice of His own human son that God wanted? After telling the Jews to stay away from pagan practices, and pagan beliefs, God then changes His mind and says, "Okay, now go ahead and believe in a human sacrifice, just as these very pagans believe?"SOURCE: [1] http://nudesforjesus.blogspot.com/2012/01/what-exactly-does-god-say-about-human.html?zx=9e38e81d800f27a
Barbie Dolls for the Dallas market
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Dallas market:
" Highland Par k Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only at Northpark. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a McMansion on Beverly Drive. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
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" Plano Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan
and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.
Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.
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" Oak Cliff Barbie"
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a
Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only
available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable
bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
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" Frisco Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.
Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also
available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to
afford any of them.
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" Mesquite Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud
light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's
butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag
bumper sticker absolutely free.
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" Grand Prairi e Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Southside
Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a
see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
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" Lower Greenville Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Point Breeze Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.
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" East Dallas Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories
include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very
difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
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" Oak Lawn Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply
adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.
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McKinney Barbie
Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion, and is perfect in every way.
We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in
Japan on business. McKinney Barbie aspires to become Plano Barbie. Not cheap but still very naive.
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"North Richland Hills Barbie"
This is Twilight Barbie she's into make-up and blood. You can only purchase this Barbie during a Mid-Night sale at Metroplex Game Stops.
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West Dallas Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired
temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This
is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a
meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand.
Green cards are not yet available for West Dallas Barbie or Ken.
Available at Carnival or Fiesta Stores only.
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South Dallas Barbie
This barbie also goes by the name of "Crackhead or Clucker"
She does not come with a house because she is mostly walking the
streets. But she does come with a set of gold or platinum teeth. She
also comes with 6 kids but Ken is not the father of neither one of them.
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